Troubled Boy, Ill Kiss You One Last Time And Say Goodnight Forever.

Wow, so another amazingly horrible day has come my way,
and I definitely just feel like crying, But whatever, it doesn't matter to anyone anyways.
Here's the basic run down of my day,
be snowed out of town for work tomorrow, so i cant do that, so now he's just going home after hockey and i wont see him at all, after NOT seeing him yesterday, and then i come home, to find I was supposed to work 5:30-9:30 tonight, so at 10 30 this morning i was sleeping in, but got woken up to being called in for 1 30 because the full timer was stuck in london, so i got up and got ready for work, tried to make pancakes and FAILED miserably so my mom made them for me, then i go to leave for work and my dads car gets STUCK behind mine, and so i tried to push it out, no beans, then my 2 neighbours came to help, nothing, then the MAILMAN came to help, still nothing and then a fire chief was driving down the road and helped, finally got them out, but after an HOUR, so im late for work, and dads car is fucked, the brakes are messed, so he missed work and blamed ME for it, so he's pissed at me, so i finally get to work, and i cant do anything right, and i wasnt supposed to get my rag for another 2 days and the boy and i had a special night planned, so that ruined that and i was talking to mom about going to his place tonight and she said not to because its going to snow another 20cms, so i'dim out of pads, fucking great, and i opened my phone bill to find I didnt pay last months for whatever reason, so I owe them over $100 so I transferred that out of my fucking school fund, oh joy. Then i went to bp with the boy and one of his friends, which was kind of weird, because i mean, ive been in a crappy mood all night and he's drinking, and he wants to be kissed of course, but i cant stand the smell of beer unless I'm drinking aswell, so I kissed him, because he'd get mad if i didn't so whatev, i just feel sick now, but who cares right? It's just me anyways... But my best friend has this new girlfriend thing, and i was there for the weekend, and of course the boy has to tell me he thinks shes totally hott, and he's got a things for blondes, well im not blonde anymore, so i feel like shit for that, and then i was talking to the bff at bp through texts, and i told the boy that he had a good night and he asked if he was with the blonde, and then turns to his friend and is like "its the blonde chick from the weekend" so obv. he's told him about her, which makes me feel awesome, because now i know he thinks she's super hott, and i know that im nothing compared to her, so of course I feel like shit, and I dont feel pretty, so I dont even know, but really, if we aren't actually dating i shouldnt care right? he can do and say what he wants, because he's not my bf, yet... if that even works, i dont know, i want it too, but i just have so many doubts and stuff, and its mostly about myself, i dont think i can trust him, because he's a guy, how fucking much does that suck? Because he doesnt deserve that, but whatever, i cant do anything about it right? whatever. Ill just die alone... preferably soon :( Or just do something to make him hate me, and then he wont have to worry about me, but chances are ill do that anyways, because i always do, because im a horrible person. but anyways i dont even care. i just feel like shit, and i hate this. and i hate my life. i just fucking want to die. Maybe with this shitty weather ill get hit by a transport truck or something...

We All Know That Youre A Beautiful Girl In This Horrible World

Okay so,
Stress levels at this moment and time are going through the roof.
so my manager quit earlier this month and that pissed me off, cuz the full timer is a bitch,
and apparently becoming the manager, woo fucking hoo, and i guess the manager came into work and our DM was there and told her to go home, how fucking nice eh?
at least shes getting paid for the week. That helps.
but of course i get a phone call with them wanting me to come in early,
well there's a problem with that because my car is in getting winter tires and an alignment.
so basically I cant go in until the car is done!
fuck that and I definitely don't want to go in if she's gonna be there, because they'll team up on me, i know it. But my manager told me just to stay calm and do the normal shit, and just, try to be as calm as i can but im fucking scared! To top it all off, this morning the car wouldnt start, and i was supposed to spend the day with the boy, but instead he's spending it with another friend, oh fucking well, i guess i see him too much anyways, he's probably just getting sick of me, which i figured would come along some day. it doesnt help i feel sicker than fucking hell and can't breathe, and not just because of my sinuses, my chest is like, broken. GUHHHH i fucking want this to not be gay. This referring to life, because life fucking sucks.
but i think im gonna go pace around the house for a bit and freak out a little. so ill write later maybe.
Chow

She's Tied Together With A Smile, And She's Coming Undone

So, all the shit with the ex is almost over.
I have to go to his place tomorrow and pick up my stuff.
then Ill be done with it.
finally.
it sucks that it took so long for me to really see what i was being put through,
but im glad that its done.
But on another note.
I've been hanging with some "friends" lately,
and I put quotations because im quite unsure about two of them.
One of them, totally played me for a night,
which pissed me off big time, because he knew i was in a fragile state when he did it,
so that wasn't cool,
and the other one, told me he would be my best friend,
and be there through everything,
and he's been a dick to me lately,
like Ive told him lately I need a hug, because my birthday is coming up,
and i fucking hate my birthday and he told me that he'd give me a hug,
then he comes in after work one day,
i go to give him a hug and he shoves me off.
completely,
then writes on his gf's facebook that im a douche bag and he doesnt give a shit about me.
well fuck you!
like I dont understand,
i have a fucking right to be mad at him.
but whatever. apparently i dont.
im just getting sick of people being idiots to me,
im going through a really fucking rough time,
but apparently its time to pick on me.
which is fucking gay.
i mean like, what the hell.
Ive never seen myself living either to, or past the age of 20,
so they're just fucking making it easier for me to make that true.
and im not liking this bullshit.
I don't deal well with it,
especially when im already not happy.
And with the new boy,
theyre like, his best friends...
which makes this all harder,
because i mean, ive been friends with them too,
that's how I met him,
but if things are awkward
then it might make it harder for him,
and I don't wanna make him choose,
I've already told him I don't care if he hangs out with them instead of me.
we aren't dating yet,
we're only seeing each other,
and as much as i LOVE seeing him,
I can't have him all the time,
I gotta share him.
He's not mine, I don't own him.
Plus he was friends with them long before he met me,
so he really should spend more time with them than me.
and I mean, I wont sit at home all the time,
I have people I can go out with and stuff.
Apparently he's planning a whole day for my birthday,
i mean Im kind of looking forward to it,
but at the same time im not...
because I hate my birthday.
theres nothing else to it, I hate it.
and it really sucks but what can I do?
I don't know.
I just felt like ranting,
because he's at work,
and i just read that thing on facebook and started crying.
made me so mad.
its not fair.
but whatever.
its life i guess right?
I guess im out for now..

The Freedom Is Relief

Well, with all the problems, I couldnt take it anymore.
he ended up lying more,
he was seeing his ex, and doing other things that i dont know,
and really dont care.
because im sick of it.
he hurt me way too many times.
and now i found out,
that he emailed all my emails and shit to his exs.
what a fucking douche.
im so glad im rid of him,
because seriously,
I dont think i could ever fucking do it again.
The sad thing is im pretty mad about it,
but really i kind of shouldve expected it.
he's a douche like that i guess.
But i get to move on now
and Ive found someone who is amazing.
and he actually treats me with respect,
and i just cant believe that i was with dickhead for so long,
when someone like this was just so close,
i mean we didnt meet until about a month ago,
but i really wished that i met him sooner,
it wouldve saved me more pain.
i just need to get over dick face, and ill be okay.
then I can move on with my love muffin and be happy,
i mean i have never been this happy.
its pretty amazing,
but a feeling im definately not used to.
but Im sure that i could get used to this :)
im so happy now.
And Im glad.
I guess thats all for now :)

Take Back Everything You Ever Said, You Never Meant A Word Of It

Allright!
So I found a way to just fix all my problems with my boydfriend!!!
I've just stopped caring!
Since Caring is just getting me hurt.
making me THINK that he gives a shit.
and that he's actually going to respect how I feel.
So ya know what?!
I JUST DONT CARE!
If I dont care,
Then I wont get hurt?
Right?
So If he wants to talk to that whore again.
I dont care!
If he wants to go hang out with other girls.
I dont care!
If he doesnt want to see me for a week.
I dont care!
If he wants to cheat on me.
I dont care!
Ive just fucking given up.
She pulls more shit again.
He gets mad at her for a couple of weeks.
He calls her a slut, bitch and every other word in the book.
Plots ways to make her life hell,
then goes back to talking to her like nothing was ever wrong.
He told me he doesnt still have feelings for her.
Can I believe this?
Cuz seriously I dont think I can.
think about it.
Is he REALLY gonna tell his girlfriend he has feelings for another girl?
just CONSTANTLY he keeps going back to her.
For all I know he's fucking her on the side.
I have a job now.
I dont see him as much.
His last girlfriend he would tell her one thing,
then be doing another.
So why should i even fucking bother trying?
He's probably just doing the same thing.
Why would he tell me he's doing something different?
It wouldnt work then now would it!
He says Im controlling.
But how can I not be when he's fucking doing shit behind my back.
I told him if hes gonna talk to her or whatever to just fucking tell me.
And he isnt.
So he's gotta fucking be doing shit behind my back.
Im glad I havent gotten him a one year gift yet.
because I dont fucking know how long I can take this for.
My one friend told me to try and break up with him.
She did it with her boyfriend and theyre pretty much married now.
they have a kid...
but still, theyre gonna be together for ever.
And i seriously wanna know whats happening here.
Im pondering what she told me to do.
because I dont fucking know anymore.
Chances are he'd probably just be like "fine"
and walk away.
He'd probably be relieved to get away from this controlling bitch.
He's called me a bitch before.
so I know he thinks I am one.
But really what am I supposed to do?
But the best thing I can do right now,
Is just stop caring.
See how he likes that.
Maybe he'll learn something about it.
or maybe he will see it as freedom.
and take advantage of it.
I dont know.
But things are going to change.
and if he doesnt like it then oh well.
I just keep thinking that i could use someone who is actually sweet.
someone who tries to do sweet things.
Anytime i tell him he should try to surprise me
he just sits there and says "I cant surprise you.. its too hard"
Well fuck.
I guess im not worth and work eh.
I do sooooo much for him.
I make him things.
And he doesnt even try to make me anything.
He's got a fucking corkboard full of shit from me.
and I dont have a single thing from him.
He's typed me one note.
thats it.
ohh how romantic.
He used to email me all the time.
and now he just doesnt have time to.
like what the fuck.
i dont get it.
i just dont seem to matter to him anymore.
Im pretty sure im gonna show this to him
because frankly enough i dont want to talk to him.
He's probably gonna call me after he's done work.
im not gonna pick up.
i dont want to talk to him.
He can text me.
because i just dont want to talk to him.
He wants to know whats going on.
Maybe he should take a look at himself and figure it out.
im SICK of him going behind my back!
I dont know HOW many times i have to tell him that.
and I have this odd little feeling
that its never going to change.
and if thats the case.
I dont fucking know what im going to do.
This blog is like the ONLY thing keeping me sane.
and the only person other than me that knows the url.
is my one friend.
and im not gonna LET him figure it out
cuz then he will go read all my other posts.
and he doesnt need to,
he should just read this one.
after all the other ones are in the past.
and he's always telling me to leave the past in the past.
so how about he leaves them in the past.
i doubt he will.
hes gonna want to read them too
but I wont let him
and He'll have to deal with it
anyways I think thats a pretty good rant.
I feel better now.
Maybe he'll figure something out.
i doubt it though.
Ill probably be back to rant more later.
Chow!

I Need You Here Tonight Like The Ocean Needs The Waves

okay.
so now i dont know what to do again.
i decided to randomly check kris' email again.
and theres an email from "lacy godess"
so i checked it,
and its an escort,
and he said he wants to book an appointment with her,
next time shes in london.
what do i do.
im gonna talk to him.
im gonna be straight up with him.
i cant do it anymore.
i just need to know whats going on.
see if im not good enough
or whats going on.
because i cant sit here and think about this anymore.
what if he wants to go see an escort?
maybe hes just trying to play a joke on someone.
but i doubt it.
im scared.
what if i get the answer i dont want?
what if this makes me lose him forever?
oh god im shaking like hell.
somebody save me.

Back to The Blog.

Annnnnnnd so I find myself here again.
surprise surprise eh.
well, I read a conversation between Kris and her again.
and I really didnt like what I read.
But I told him that he could be friends with her.
and i wont interfere....
but he was talking to her and said that,
well first off he told me that if he were ever gonna hang out with her,
i would be there.
but he told her it would be really nice if they could hang out just them some time.
and it drives me nuts.
because im confused.
he said he just said that to see what she would say.
but theres that part of me, that goes back to that damn email...
when he told her he still has feelings for her...
and I want to confront him about it,
but im scared.
I dont want him to get mad at me.
or maybe im just scared that he'll say he does.
cuz well,
he never deleted her off msn.
so its completely possible.
I dont know,
I just keep thinking and thinking,
I wish I could stop.
because its not good for our relationship.
and I could be like other people,
and just not care.
But im scared of getting hurt again.
and what if he does hurt me again?
What will i do?
I love him too much to let him go.
and i dont wanna end up one of those girls,
who has a boyfriend that cheats on her.
And he's been different lately.
i dont know how really.
well i do.
but its hard to explain.
it seems almost like hes drifting.
and its scaring the bloody hell out of me.
because...
i dont wanna lose him!
and really if i do,
i seriously dont know what i would do.
i can guarantee you i wouldnt want any other guy.
for the REST of my life.
So ya know,
he would move on.
and id be sitting,
waiting for him to come back.
and he never would.
so Im starting to get scared.
and Ive been feeling sick the past few days
and i think its stress again.
i mean, im always on him to talk to me about things,
but then when it comes to me,
i cant talk to him.
and tonight he wants to leave early.
so i dont know what to say.
i just said okay.
even though... it makes me sad.
because like,
hes just gonna come in after work,
we'll go to the gym.
then he'll leave.
and like...
ugh I just dont want him to go so early.
I keep getting a huge lump in my throate.
and feeling sick just writing this.
but I think I should probably show him my blog.
because its kind of like keeping things from him..
and I dont like doing that.
but i know hes gonna be equally pissed off from me showing it to him.
so Im stuck.
Cuz I dont want him mad at me.
because...
it will kill me.
but i guess it will be best for him.
and anytime i have a problem i can still write it in here...
and he can just read it...
i dunno
I just ...
gah.
I love him :(

Ill Sign My Name, P.S. I Love You.

Allright so, I need someone to talk to, and theres nobody here.
surprise surprise.
I help everyone, yet when I need someone im screwed.
So here I am back at my blog.
Okay, so I was talking to Kris yesterday, and since I feel bad its his Birthday tomorrow,
and he doesnt really have many friends to spend it with... because of me.
I told him that if he wants to talk to the whore and the asshole again, he can
and i told him i would keep my feelings about it to myself.
so I have a feeling this blog is going to come in mighty handy in the next little while,
I told him that he can hang out with them, because its my fault he doesnt see them or talk to them anymore.
I told him i dont want to ever see them, because I dont like them, but I think its hurt him that ive done this..
and I feel horrible about it, because he hasnt told me to not hang out with any of my friends,
but then again i never do cuz im always with him,
and im not complaining, i mean,
Id rather be with him...
But Im scared that theyre gonna turn him against me,
because theyll try, i know that,
and whoreface will definately try to break us up again.
He said he will only hang out with her if im there...
but really im not gonna be happy any time im around her.
because I hate her, and i want nothing to do with her.
but i guess i have to live with it if i want to be with him.
Even though just seeing he added her to facebook,
almost made me cry.
but like, I have to be happy for his birthday,
so I need to get this out,
and theres nobody i can talk to so im stuck.
like i cant tell kris,
cuz itll just screw things up.
and im sure hes gonna invite whoreface and some other people i dont like to do something for his birthday on thursday, well his birthdays tomorrow,
but he's celebrating on thursday..
i dont know what theyre planning to do but really,
i cant do anything because I dont have any money.
So Ill let him have fun with his friends...
but really im starting to freak out because I dont wanna lose him,
and just lal the shit we went through when they were friends was just so hard.
and i dont want to do that anymore.
and im afraid if i cant deal with it,
i might just freak out and end up screwing everything up.
and it wouldnt surprise me if I did,
i mean, He only gives people one chance,
so if i screw this up, theres no way he would take me back.
So I just really dont want to have to go crazy every day.
and I know he's gonna be talking to her,
and i dont know what about.
and what drives me crazy.
is he changed his email addy. and well,
he changed his password,
so i dont know what it is.
which scares me.
but i guess its for the best because i cant look at his stuff...
but it also kinda makes me feel like hes hiding things..
so I dont know.
i just feel sick
and i keep thinking.
because i dont wanna lose him,
and i dont wanna go through this all over again.
and ahhhhhhhhh.
I just dont think i can do this.
but i guess we'll have to see..
cuz yeah.
i dunno.
but i gotta go...

Keep Holding on....

And again, I retreat to my blogging to get more of my pain out.
This last Tuesday, his mother and sister left to Florida for the week,
and so we were supposed to spend the week together except for the time he was at work.
and tuesday night i slept over, then he dropped me off before work.
wednesday he said i couldnt stay cuz he had to work, and then he didnt have to work,
and i stayed over, but there was a part of me thinking that he didnt want me to stay,
and it scared me. because he seems to be drifting from me.
i dont know why he's drifting but he is.
Im scared that he doesnt want to be with me anymore.
maybe im too needy, or too clingy, or maybe he just doesnt want me.
I dont know what it is, but its scary as fuck.
Yesterday he ended up giving me back all my stuff from his house.
and usually when that happens, it means theyre planning to end everything with you.
and then tonight he says he has to start seeing me less.
he's gonna stop coming in every day, and not come in 2 days..
it seems stupid but to me its everything.
because that means 2 days i get to sit at home and worry.
do nothing.
and wonder what he's up to.
like I dont know what to think.
and I can't tell him i think we're drifting.
he'll get all up front and like no. i always wanna be with you.
and then think i wanna break up with him..
but any time he says "what, you trying to break up with me?"
it just makes me think that thats what he wants.
and its really hard because all of my relationships end at 7 months.
and since we're nearing that point im getting really nervous.
and im finding the littlest things will set me off and make me really upset.
i seem to be over analyzing everything.
i just want everything to be okay.
and i want to be with him forever.
but i dont know whats going on.
im just...
scared.
soo i can just hope that things work out..
but this blogging thing reeally helps because i can get everything out.
and nobody has to know..
maybe if we're still together in a few years, i can show him this..
and maybe he wont freak out on me.
thats all for now i guess.
chow <3

Confused.

so once again im lost.
surprise surprise.
it seems he's talking to this Lisa girl again.
and also lying about things...
i deleted my myspace, and made a new one,
and so he decided to delete his aswell.
and she messaged him asking why he wasnt on her list,
and he told her its because I deleted it.
umm, no.
I didnt, He chose to.
i just dont know what to think about this.
should I confront him about it?!
or should i just wait and see how it plays out?
like I really dont know what to do,
I messaged her,
but i dont know what good thats gonna do.
im just sick of this,
i feel like im being played.
i just wanna know whats going on.
we've been so happy the last week or two.
and I dont wanna fuck it all up again,
and have us fighting a whole lot.
Because I really do love him.
its just hard.
I want to feel like im loved,
as much as i love him.
what do i do?!