Back to The Blog.

Annnnnnnd so I find myself here again.
surprise surprise eh.
well, I read a conversation between Kris and her again.
and I really didnt like what I read.
But I told him that he could be friends with her.
and i wont interfere....
but he was talking to her and said that,
well first off he told me that if he were ever gonna hang out with her,
i would be there.
but he told her it would be really nice if they could hang out just them some time.
and it drives me nuts.
because im confused.
he said he just said that to see what she would say.
but theres that part of me, that goes back to that damn email...
when he told her he still has feelings for her...
and I want to confront him about it,
but im scared.
I dont want him to get mad at me.
or maybe im just scared that he'll say he does.
cuz well,
he never deleted her off msn.
so its completely possible.
I dont know,
I just keep thinking and thinking,
I wish I could stop.
because its not good for our relationship.
and I could be like other people,
and just not care.
But im scared of getting hurt again.
and what if he does hurt me again?
What will i do?
I love him too much to let him go.
and i dont wanna end up one of those girls,
who has a boyfriend that cheats on her.
And he's been different lately.
i dont know how really.
well i do.
but its hard to explain.
it seems almost like hes drifting.
and its scaring the bloody hell out of me.
because...
i dont wanna lose him!
and really if i do,
i seriously dont know what i would do.
i can guarantee you i wouldnt want any other guy.
for the REST of my life.
So ya know,
he would move on.
and id be sitting,
waiting for him to come back.
and he never would.
so Im starting to get scared.
and Ive been feeling sick the past few days
and i think its stress again.
i mean, im always on him to talk to me about things,
but then when it comes to me,
i cant talk to him.
and tonight he wants to leave early.
so i dont know what to say.
i just said okay.
even though... it makes me sad.
because like,
hes just gonna come in after work,
we'll go to the gym.
then he'll leave.
and like...
ugh I just dont want him to go so early.
I keep getting a huge lump in my throate.
and feeling sick just writing this.
but I think I should probably show him my blog.
because its kind of like keeping things from him..
and I dont like doing that.
but i know hes gonna be equally pissed off from me showing it to him.
so Im stuck.
Cuz I dont want him mad at me.
because...
it will kill me.
but i guess it will be best for him.
and anytime i have a problem i can still write it in here...
and he can just read it...
i dunno
I just ...
gah.
I love him :(