I Need You Here Tonight Like The Ocean Needs The Waves

okay.
so now i dont know what to do again.
i decided to randomly check kris' email again.
and theres an email from "lacy godess"
so i checked it,
and its an escort,
and he said he wants to book an appointment with her,
next time shes in london.
what do i do.
im gonna talk to him.
im gonna be straight up with him.
i cant do it anymore.
i just need to know whats going on.
see if im not good enough
or whats going on.
because i cant sit here and think about this anymore.
what if he wants to go see an escort?
maybe hes just trying to play a joke on someone.
but i doubt it.
im scared.
what if i get the answer i dont want?
what if this makes me lose him forever?
oh god im shaking like hell.
somebody save me.

Back to The Blog.

Annnnnnnd so I find myself here again.
surprise surprise eh.
well, I read a conversation between Kris and her again.
and I really didnt like what I read.
But I told him that he could be friends with her.
and i wont interfere....
but he was talking to her and said that,
well first off he told me that if he were ever gonna hang out with her,
i would be there.
but he told her it would be really nice if they could hang out just them some time.
and it drives me nuts.
because im confused.
he said he just said that to see what she would say.
but theres that part of me, that goes back to that damn email...
when he told her he still has feelings for her...
and I want to confront him about it,
but im scared.
I dont want him to get mad at me.
or maybe im just scared that he'll say he does.
cuz well,
he never deleted her off msn.
so its completely possible.
I dont know,
I just keep thinking and thinking,
I wish I could stop.
because its not good for our relationship.
and I could be like other people,
and just not care.
But im scared of getting hurt again.
and what if he does hurt me again?
What will i do?
I love him too much to let him go.
and i dont wanna end up one of those girls,
who has a boyfriend that cheats on her.
And he's been different lately.
i dont know how really.
well i do.
but its hard to explain.
it seems almost like hes drifting.
and its scaring the bloody hell out of me.
because...
i dont wanna lose him!
and really if i do,
i seriously dont know what i would do.
i can guarantee you i wouldnt want any other guy.
for the REST of my life.
So ya know,
he would move on.
and id be sitting,
waiting for him to come back.
and he never would.
so Im starting to get scared.
and Ive been feeling sick the past few days
and i think its stress again.
i mean, im always on him to talk to me about things,
but then when it comes to me,
i cant talk to him.
and tonight he wants to leave early.
so i dont know what to say.
i just said okay.
even though... it makes me sad.
because like,
hes just gonna come in after work,
we'll go to the gym.
then he'll leave.
and like...
ugh I just dont want him to go so early.
I keep getting a huge lump in my throate.
and feeling sick just writing this.
but I think I should probably show him my blog.
because its kind of like keeping things from him..
and I dont like doing that.
but i know hes gonna be equally pissed off from me showing it to him.
so Im stuck.
Cuz I dont want him mad at me.
because...
it will kill me.
but i guess it will be best for him.
and anytime i have a problem i can still write it in here...
and he can just read it...
i dunno
I just ...
gah.
I love him :(

Ill Sign My Name, P.S. I Love You.

Allright so, I need someone to talk to, and theres nobody here.
surprise surprise.
I help everyone, yet when I need someone im screwed.
So here I am back at my blog.
Okay, so I was talking to Kris yesterday, and since I feel bad its his Birthday tomorrow,
and he doesnt really have many friends to spend it with... because of me.
I told him that if he wants to talk to the whore and the asshole again, he can
and i told him i would keep my feelings about it to myself.
so I have a feeling this blog is going to come in mighty handy in the next little while,
I told him that he can hang out with them, because its my fault he doesnt see them or talk to them anymore.
I told him i dont want to ever see them, because I dont like them, but I think its hurt him that ive done this..
and I feel horrible about it, because he hasnt told me to not hang out with any of my friends,
but then again i never do cuz im always with him,
and im not complaining, i mean,
Id rather be with him...
But Im scared that theyre gonna turn him against me,
because theyll try, i know that,
and whoreface will definately try to break us up again.
He said he will only hang out with her if im there...
but really im not gonna be happy any time im around her.
because I hate her, and i want nothing to do with her.
but i guess i have to live with it if i want to be with him.
Even though just seeing he added her to facebook,
almost made me cry.
but like, I have to be happy for his birthday,
so I need to get this out,
and theres nobody i can talk to so im stuck.
like i cant tell kris,
cuz itll just screw things up.
and im sure hes gonna invite whoreface and some other people i dont like to do something for his birthday on thursday, well his birthdays tomorrow,
but he's celebrating on thursday..
i dont know what theyre planning to do but really,
i cant do anything because I dont have any money.
So Ill let him have fun with his friends...
but really im starting to freak out because I dont wanna lose him,
and just lal the shit we went through when they were friends was just so hard.
and i dont want to do that anymore.
and im afraid if i cant deal with it,
i might just freak out and end up screwing everything up.
and it wouldnt surprise me if I did,
i mean, He only gives people one chance,
so if i screw this up, theres no way he would take me back.
So I just really dont want to have to go crazy every day.
and I know he's gonna be talking to her,
and i dont know what about.
and what drives me crazy.
is he changed his email addy. and well,
he changed his password,
so i dont know what it is.
which scares me.
but i guess its for the best because i cant look at his stuff...
but it also kinda makes me feel like hes hiding things..
so I dont know.
i just feel sick
and i keep thinking.
because i dont wanna lose him,
and i dont wanna go through this all over again.
and ahhhhhhhhh.
I just dont think i can do this.
but i guess we'll have to see..
cuz yeah.
i dunno.
but i gotta go...