The First Of Many Shards.

So I decided I would create a blog and not give anyone the address.
Chances are it will still be found.
But I will take my chances.
as I need a place to put my thoughts and feelings,
where I can just rant and rave,
and not hurt anyone.
hopefully.
Well here it goes.

So.
My best friend.
well.
ex best friend now.
introduced me to my current boyfriend.
and its been just over 6 months now,
and everything was perfect at first.
But around our 4 month anniversary,
I found out that he had emailed her telling her that he still had feelings for her.
and that i was being a bitch lately.
and it really hurt.
i didnt know why i didnt just end it right there.
i spent days on end crying.
then one day he showed up at my work,
and gave me a build a bear workshop moose.
and i forgave him.
but everyday i still hold it against him.
and I feel really really bad about it,
i mean its been a few months,
and he completely cut her out of his life,
other than he kept her on his msn,
and anytime i would go on his msn she would be unblocked.
and he kept telling me he didnt talk to her.
but how could I believe him,
after that email?
I still check his email,
and his myspace.
and just everything.
because i want to make sure other shit isnt going on.
and I just wish I could trust him,
because we really do have alot of fun.
and I love him.
I really do.
I cant even think of being without him.
and it scares me.
every day.
i think im gonna lose him.
ever since I lost mike.
anyone that comes into my life is extremely monitored.
because I cant trust anyone anymore.
my last ex brainwashed me,
made me think my family didnt give a shit about me.
and then I almost lost my sister.
so Ive been really lost.
I feel like such an asshole though.
because im basically making him choose between me and her.
i mean.
should i?
am i being reasonable?
he started talking to her again recently,
and it drives me crazy.
he says i should stop checking up on him.
and her.
so im going to.
im just going to pretty much completely wipe myself from the internet.
ill come here,
so i can rant.
but other than that.
fuck it.
I need to gain trust in him.
if this relationship is going to work.
but i gotta go to bed.
fucking work.
i will continue tomorrow.
ta-ta for now.